Genre: angst, post CoE
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Jack/Gwen
Summary: Gwen finds a letter among the personal belongings of one Ianto Jones. It's addressed to her.
Authors Note: So, I was thinking about the new season, and how Jack is coming back for Gwen. And then I got to thinking about why. And, after setting all my Janto thoughts aside, I think I saw what RTD (even though he's still a bastard) is trying to get at.
I know that our friendship has grown these past couple months and, who knows. Maybe I’ll survive long enough to sit down next year and re-write this and we’ll be like siblings. I think it was Tosh and Owen, who brought us together. Gwen - you experienced such horrible things, and your response to them are to move closer to the ones you love and cherish them all the more. Me, I take the easy way out. I distance myself, holding on to the past, wishing for it to somehow change. See how far that got me, huh. In that way, I guess that’s why Jack and I…he saw something similar. Another man who was just trying to get to the end of it.
Jack gave my life meaning again. I hope he knew that, in the end. I must be dead for you to be reading this, because I hid it too well for me to still be alive. I hope I was strong enough to tell him before I left - to tell him that I loved him. Of course, if it was a bullet to the head, or something quick like that, I’m sure I didn’t. Would you tell him for me, then? I know that’s a lot to ask, but you were always the one who let her emotions guide her, and that made you so much stronger.
I digressed a little there. My feelings aren’t the reason I wrote this. I wrote this for Jack - and for you. I actually hope that I did die quickly - maybe that way I wouldn’t leave any last words to bounce around Jack’s head and make him feel guilty. I really, really hope that if I did tell him, he didn’t say it back. The last thing I want to hear before I die isn’t a lie.
Yes, I knew that Jack didn’t love me. He cared for me a lot, I could tell. But he cared for me in the same way that he cared for Estelle, and - just a guess - all the other women, men, and things that he has had a relationship with. He never told me what happened, those few months he was gone. I could tell it was something bad. I learned more from him through the way he acted that first week he was back than any of the long nights we spent talking about nothing. The people that Jack loves - truly, unconditionally Loves - are those that he never touches. He wants to - he yearns after them. Follows them to the end of the Universe if he can, I’ll bet. But he never touches them. He cares too much to taint their lives with his presence. Because he knows that one day, he will have to leave. It is so easy to fall in love with Captain Jack Harkness, and it is so hard to pull yourself out of it.
In his long life, Jack has cared for so many people. No matter what he told me, I am just another name to be forgotten as time goes on. He waited over one hundred years for this Doctor of his to show up, and left
I’m dead and gone. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. He’ll get over me and continue on, just like he has always done before. Help him stand up and continue to move forward, because if Torchwood falls apart, the Earth wont be too far behind.
Jack once told me that I’d never be a blip in time for him. At first, I thought it was because he loved me. But now, I realize the truth. I will never just be a blip in time, because I was part of the experience that he had with you, and Jack wouldn’t forget any of that for all the time in the world. Take care of him, please. Give him something worth living for.